Friday, February 8, 2008

birthday blues

Yesterday was my birthday. It wasn't a very happy one though. And, then, this morning, before coffee was drunk, my husband became quite agitated and angry and he was, once again, bashing me, mocking me, belittling me and there was no way to talk to him.
He is so very unhappy, and he seems to think/believe that somehow it is my responsibility to make him happy. Dave (darling husband #3) thought/believed the same thing. And, for reasons I cannot explain, I do not agree with this way of thinking/believing. One person is not in charge of another person's happiness.
I have one of those hokey wood placques from the 1980s that has a "saying" on it that has hung somewhere around me since I acquired it in the 1980s. It has a picture of a sailboat on a calm lake --- very peaceful looking --- and the quote is: "your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself."
I really, truly believe that. Really.
Yet, one after another, I find myself involved with men who hold others accountable for whether or not they are happy.
I just don't get it.
Hey! I'm not happy right now because dh#4 was ranting and raving at me this morning about how unhappy he is in his life. He has to "put up with" my dog, my two cats, my birds, my children, my grandchild, me ... and all he wants is his "privacy." What exactly could this mean? Have I overlooked that he is anti-social? Do I recognize the behaviors of an alcoholic who blames everyone around him/her for the mistakes? How does it all fit together?
Perhaps I'm just not meant to be married. It seems that being married requires that one must give up one's identity. He wants me to become so immersed in his life that there is no place for what I care about, no room for my interests, no time for the activities I enjoy. I thought I was doing that. But, I guess not ...
How silly is this: he's jealous of my dog sitting on my lap. The dog is loyal and faithful and loves me as only a dog can do. My dog accepts me as I am, never asking for any more than I'm willing to give. And, my husband resents the attention I give to the dog. He also resents the way the dog follows me and is never more than a few feet away from me when I'm home. THIS is what he wants! Unfortunately, he's a man, not a dog. And, you just don't treat them the same way. The dog is a dumb animal, dependent on this human being for food and shelter. The man is not a dumb animal and should be independent, able to provide the essentials for himself.
I've given my best. But, I know that sometimes in this life, even one's best is not enough.
I'm tired of being lonely. And, that's pretty much what I've been here lately.

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